Overdue blog

For a multitude of reasons, it’s been a while since I published a blog.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing them because I have. But they have been handwritten on curly-edged little notebooks that I keep in my handbag, a journal that I kept while on holiday and a little netbook which is temperamentally unsuited to internet connections for no good reason.

I haven’t written much on here,  the red Dell laptop which is my main computer, because basically, Fat Lily has knackered it.

To be fair, it isn’t 100% her fault. The hard disk broke and son #1 fixed it very well but a part of the laptop that I rest my hands on began to randomly delete words, paragraphs etc, necessitating fairly rigorous “saving” while writing. (Cont S)

Then, several weeks ago, Fat Lily ingratiated herself on to my lap, as she often does in the study.

I was typing with one hand, scratching her head with the other, as you do – multi-tasking is essential with a cat. It was one of those blissfully calm domestic scenes that cats are famous for.  I tell people “Cats are sooo relaxing compared to dogs. They really set an excellent example when it comes to long luxuriant sleeps on the couch or a bed if they get the chance.”

Anyway, I hit “print,” my HP Laserjet whirred into action and Fat Lily freaked out.

She wanted to leap away, terrified, but in a relaxed manner (please see “blissfully calm domestic scene” above) I held her on my lap murmured something soft, sensitive and reassuring like “It’s only the fecking printer for goodnessake…”

Far from reassuring her, my comforting, steadying hands somehow added to her desperate flight response.

She went totally apeshit. With the claws on all her too-many toes rampant, she lashed out with vicious terrified abandon, creating a long bleeding scratch across my chest and then leaping vertically into the air.

She landed on top of the laptop with a terrific clattering which terrified both her AND me and sent keys flying everywhere. She was literally a blur of fur, claws and flying keys.

One more flying leap got her to the floor and she zipped down the stairs like a fat furry rocket. Meanwhile the printer had gone silent and my desk was littered with bits of keys.  I say “bits” becuse the F keys are quite small and four were missing.  Also missing were the A, the S, the T, the G, the O and the “comma” key.

It was a scene of devastation.  Sure, I’ve spilled a mug of tea over a keyboard, washed it off, dried it in an airing cupboard overnight and of course the damn thing didn’t work. I’ve spilled a blob of marmalade between the N and M but managed to hook it out and clean up the stickiness with precision use of a knitting needle and a muslin cloth. I have never, however, seen a computer keyboard more comprehensively wrecked by a small tabby cat.

I managed to fit all of the keys back on except the ‘F10.11.12 keys and the A key. I am typing on the naked nipple of the A key at the moment. When one is forced to do that, one at least is very aware of the number of times A crops up –  a lot!

A new laptop is on the August “must have” list. Any recommendations for a purrfectly cat-proof keyboard,?  If so, let me know!


About janh1

Part-time hedonist.
This entry was posted in Cats, Current Affairs, Science and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Overdue blog

  1. IsobelandCat says:

    As excuses go, it beats ‘the dog ate my homework’ by a decent margin. I can’t recommend a cat proof keyboard. MasterB doesn’t interfere too much with the typing, but he is fascinated by the paper spewing machine that is the printer. Cat used to sit on the keyboard a lot, especially if I was trying to type. I had the laptop serviced once. As the ginger fluff clogging up the interior was removed, the engineer asked,’Do you have a cat?’ A trifle superfluous really.
    But I have been advised not to shut the laptop when I turn it off as cats enjoy sitting on the warm surface and the keys get imprinted on the screen. That is how I now MasterB has used the laptop as a mattress when I have not been about…
    Good luck, and good to read you again.

  2. janh1 says:

    Hi Isobel and thanks for dropping by 🙂 Love it that Master B has found a new use for your lappie.

    Quite frankly, I was startled by the ball of computer-destroying fur that Lily turned into! I couldn’t have predicted it! When they were kittens, Leo used to enjoy lounging on the warm keyboard and desk but he’s a bit big now.. 🙂 They both have no hesitation about walking over it though… while I’m using it… sigh.

    • IsobelandCat says:

      For a while, Cat’s party trick was to rotate the screen of my laptop. It took him a nanosecond, then it took me days to reverse it. In the end I became quite proficient, so he gave that up and just typed with his bottom, or hunted my fingers when I tried to work.

      • janh1 says:

        Oooh that’s devious, testing your IT skills, Isobel. Typing with his bottom he must have achieved whole words all at once… or even a sentence! 😀 #impressed #notgoingtotryitthough

  3. Jan,

    Hysterical as always!!! Oh how I was happy imagining the blissful, calm, cat friendly scene!!! Til u reminded me why cats are little claw bound scary things!! Now dogs on the other hand, well they would NEVER be sitting on ur lap at the table, they would be coiled round ur feet like a comfort blanket. Perfect until u try to stand up and fall flat on ur face ‘cos Fido is crashed out!!!

  4. janh1 says:

    Hi JanePJane! 🙂 That’s so true. Dogs have a sense of proportion…unless they are comprehensively tearing something up. They are mostly floor-based and don’t sashay across your desk treading muddy prints over your notebooks, bank statements and precious things!
    They also don’t stand on the windowsill mewing for the window to be opened so they can enter in an unorthodox manner. 🙂 x

    • IsobelandCat says:

      This is testing me extremely. I have been away for a week and am missing MasterB enormously. Thank goodness I had some cuddles with a beagle, a boxer, a spaniel and a miniature Schauzer today. Otherwise I might need some Prozac to tide me over.

      • janh1 says:

        That sounds like a very satisfactory dose of dog, though, Isobel. 😀 Bet MasterB is missing you too.

        Almost everyone I know seems to have puppies at the moment, which is lovely for them but reminds me of good times past ;-/

  5. Jan, you made me laugh out loud.But poor old Fat Lily….very good indeed to see you back in the blogosphere.

    • janh1 says:

      Hi Kate! She deserves no sympathy. Her extra-multi-clawed little paws have wrecked my laptop! I only just had to replace the A for the Nth time (geddit?) and even my techie son #1 couldn’t get the F11 and F12 back on! :-D) I always knew she harboured a jealous hatred of my attention-demanding technology. She is secretly probably very satisfied. 🙂

  6. SidevieW says:

    poor Fat Lily.

    this is absolutely no excuse. Laptops allow you to plug in a keyboard, a far cheaper option than a new laptop.

    Now go and apologise to poor Lily for blaming her, abase yourself, sit for her for hours and never stop giving her loves with NO OTHER DISTRACTIONS

  7. janh1 says:

    Oh yes, Sidey… son #1 mentioned plugging in a keyboard. I’ve got one here somewhere…
    I’m already at Fat Lily’s beck and call! I’ve got to go to Sains to stock up with food, for starters. Maybe I should get her some Dreamies and make peace… :-)))

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