Seriously (Ed: Delete. No-one’s going to believe that)
We are changing.
So yeah, we usually send you envelopes full of so-called offers that we’re confident you’ll never use but this time…
…..this time it’s personal.
You know those problems we’ve had with some of our meat lately? Well, we say meat but hand-on-heart, you didn’t think it could be meat at that price did you?
It really never occurred to you that for less than one penny per burger you were only going to get a nasty amalgam of miscellaneous sludge, sweepings and flavourings?
And the roast horseloaf was just a case of mis-labelling, we are assured by our Irish suppliers. “Horse” and “coarse” sound similar when they are pronounced in a charming Irish accent.
Ok, moving on (Ed: Get back to the blank verse we talked about)
This is bigger than just Tesco being deceived by criminals. It’s about the whole food industry.
It’s about how we get the meat to your table.
We know that our supply chain was
beset by cheats and frauds and possibly the Mafia complicated.
So we’re making it
harder for the bastard fraudsters to fleece us simpler.
The more we work with British farmers, the better.
For farmers to do what they do best they need our support.
They haven’t had a lot of it until now but at least we’re paying dairy farmers above the market price for milk. (Ed: get more poetic for godssake. Where’s the blank verse?)
We know that no matter
what we spend everyone deserves
punctuation and sentences
to eat well
We know that this will only work if we are honest
We know that together we will endure (Ed: Cut the Tony-Blair-Bleurgh)
We know this might be getting on your nerves now
But we’re determined to see
to the end of the page
We know we should be open
about what we do
And if you’re not happy
But we don’t want to hear about your borderline depression or herpes
Morrisons came out of this
food fraud debacle
sickeningly sweet of
now we want a bit of
It with a capital ‘i’ a touch of bold and italics
We ARE (Ed: LOWER CASE HERE FOR GODSSSAKE. CAPS IS JUST SHOUTING)
Note to Ed: Is this ok? Sincere/fluffy/chatty/cuddly/bullshitty enough?
No. You need to make me *cry* – bit like our shareholders.