That Tesco flyer – first draft

Seriously                      (Ed: Delete. No-one’s going to believe that)

We are changing.

So yeah, we usually send you envelopes full of so-called offers that we’re confident you’ll never use but this time…

…..this time it’s personal.

You know those problems we’ve had with some of our meat lately?  Well, we say meat but hand-on-heart, you didn’t think it could be meat at that price did you?

You did?

It really never occurred to you that for less than one penny per burger you were only going to get a nasty amalgam of miscellaneous sludge, sweepings and flavourings? 

And the roast horseloaf was just a case of mis-labelling, we are assured by our Irish suppliers.  “Horse” and “coarse” sound similar when they are pronounced in a charming Irish accent.

Ok, moving on                              (Ed: Get back to the blank verse we talked about)

This is bigger than just Tesco being deceived by criminals. It’s about the whole food industry.

It’s about how we get the meat to your table.

We know that our supply chain was beset by cheats and frauds and possibly the Mafia complicated.

So we’re making it harder for the bastard fraudsters to fleece us simpler.

The more we work with British farmers, the better.

For farmers to do what they do best they need our support.

They haven’t had a lot of it until now but at least we’re paying dairy farmers above the market price for milk.      (Ed: get more poetic for godssake. Where’s the blank verse?)

We know that no matter

what we spend everyone deserves punctuation and sentences

to eat well

We know that this will only work if we are honest

We know that together we will endure          (Ed: Cut the Tony-Blair-Bleurgh)

We know this might be getting on your nerves now

But we’re determined to see

it

to the end of the page

We know we should be open

about what we do

And if you’re not happy

Tell us

But we don’t want to hear about your borderline depression or herpes

Morrisons came out of this

food fraud debacle

smelling  sickeningly sweet  of

roses

now we want a bit of

that action

Seriously

this is

It    with a capital ‘i’ a touch of bold  and  italics

We ARE   (Ed: LOWER CASE HERE FOR GODSSSAKE.  CAPS IS JUST SHOUTING)

changing

 

Note to Ed: Is this ok? Sincere/fluffy/chatty/cuddly/bullshitty enough?

No. You need to make me *cry*  – bit like our shareholders. 

Advertisements

About janh1

Part-time hedonist.
This entry was posted in Blatant Falsehoods, Countryside, Current Affairs, Ridiculous Tosh and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to That Tesco flyer – first draft

  1. Great post Jan.
    Some more tips:
    Become vegetarian. Avoid Tesco. Pay farmers to produce good food. We get what we pay for. Do you like the taste of pesticide?

  2. It’s just so difficult to get the right tone with marketing messages 😛

  3. Ha! Love the Ed’s notes, Jan. Anf I think your probably have Tesco’s attitude perfectly here.

    • janh1 says:

      Thanks Kate! It was amusing that they spent all that dosh on their “We’ll do better, honest!” handout, then horsemeat was found in their meatloaves.. 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s