I’m fond of words and still find it quite exciting when I come across a new one that sounds good. I’m a bit like that sappy guy in West Side Story.

“Maria, Maria, I’ll never stop saying Maria….” Someone should have told him “Look mate, it’s never going to work…”

My word yesterday was vajazzle. Dylan Moran mentioned it in a comedy show (I hope he’s going to become the new Dave Allen) and I thought I’d use it but wanted to check it out…just in case… Mumsie, a respectable woman who never swore, occasionally shocked listeners with her use of the word ‘twat’ because she had no idea of the connotations. Mind you, she thought Marlyn Monroe had been bumped off by the MFI so if you knew her, you’d probably forgive her.

So there I was thinking vajazzle was a general bling, jewellery of the ankle, the wrist, the neckline, perhaps even some sparkly stuff in the tummy button but it turns out to be very specific –  the bejewelling of a lady’s hospital parts.

Well, well. I have to admit to huge and uncontrolled astonishment and amusement. It made my day, to be honest, to think there are girls and women out there actually spending time prinking their privates in order to have them sparkling and flashing like a Woolworths Christmas tree.

I wondered how on earth I’d manage. I never really got on with contact lenses. I got through a week’s worth in two days, what with the dropping, the tearings, the getting stuck in the eye in the wrong place, the tears.

Vajazzling would be even more of a challenge. There’d be waxing and screaming. There’d be unnatural leg positions and it would be bound to involve a number of mirrors. There would be decisions on spectacles – on or off? Off wouldn’t work. I’m short-sighted so out of focus from the decolletage down. I’d have to use binoculars. Then there are the little tiny sparkly things and the glue and the tweezers. It would be so much easier if it was all fuzzy felt but even then, it was always a job to get the little horses looking convincing….

Surely vajazzling can’t be for the benefit pf men? The jewellery would just get in the way or fall off or worse…

“Oi! Wayne! I’m missing my favourite Aztec white crystal flower curve! Wotcha dun, swallowed it or sumfink?”

I really cannot envisage a gent with a H&S background getting all hot and bothered with a heavily vajazzled partner. He would surely just be visualising the lengthy risk assessment and percentage chance of dying of choking rather than get engaged in intensive admiration of her heavily beaded front bottom.

And if they are doing it for other women, surely something more comfy would be more welcome. Perhaps they could strategically place a nice cushion or two down there? I haven’t met a woman yet who doesn’t drool slightly over a nice cushion. John Lewis cushions are nothing but filthy cushion porn.

From the limited research I’ve done, though, the vajazzling seems to be aimed at men. It might be purely an Essex thing because it featured in some TV show called the ‘Only Way is Essex’ or ‘Slightly Less Interesting Kent’. I’m not sure. I don’t watch much TV but I would like to shake the hand of the person who coined ‘vajazzle.’ It’s a corker on a par with Sue Limb’s “bonking” and “bonkbusters” – it conveys meaning with a knowing smirk.

I happened to be having my nails done yesterday. So while Gee was busy with the Chicago Champagne Toast, I asked, nonchalently “Do you, by chance, offer vajazzling?”

She smiled a wary smile and said “Er no.. There’s not much call for that in Cheltenham but I could do… a Las Vegas wax…”

I had to ask what it was. I’m a beauty parlour virgin, after all (apart from the nails.. oh and the eyelashes but we don’t mention them.)  It’s the removal of all hirsuite appendages leaving a strategically-placed strip. And the strip is decorated with sparkly things, said Gee.

“What? A bit like a runway?”

“You can have a runway if you want… People ask for all sorts of things.”

Wow.  Glow-in-the-dark runway lights.  Imagine!  I love aiports and the runway lights are *just amazing.*  I was starting to see how you could impress a bloke.

When when you got bored of the aeronauticals, you could try seasonal themes… some miniature autumnal leaves and berries for autumn….while Christmas must surely involve a jolly Santa-faced merkin with dangly Christmas trees and perhaps a cheeky robin peeping through the festive pines.

I can’t quite see it as a Womens’ Institute competition but it definitely has potential.

Talking to colleagues at work, they weren’t at all keen on the thought of vajazzling unless there were practical benefits.

“A little bejewelled note down there could come in handy,“ said one, thoughtfully.

“It would read ‘When you’ve finished, could you peel the potatoes for supper?’”

Runway clear for landing

About janh1

Part-time hedonist.
This entry was posted in Art, Countryside, Current Affairs, Just flowers and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Vajazzled!

  1. It all gets remarkably complicated when talking topiary. For many years I thought a “Brazillian” was what appears to be called a “Hollywood”.

    Did you come across the Pejazzle on your investigations – and what do you think the average reaction would be to encountering one?

    • janh1 says:

      Hi Sophie. Yes! what I thought was a Brazilian turns out to be a Hollywood. Who knew?! 😉
      I did come across Pejazzling briefly during my researches but quite frankly, I don’t think its going to catch on. Well it might catch on..but only in the uncomfortable, snagging, sense…

  2. Rolling about laughing, Jan. You tackle this matter with forthright wit. I am just picturing the face of the lady who did your nails when you asked if they did vajazzle. Not much call for it in Cheltenham: I guess not. And as for “Marlyn Monroe had been bumped off by the MFI”….one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time.

    • janh1 says:

      Hi Kate and thanks 😀 Glad you see the funny side too. I spent yesterday in a constant state of amusement – and it sure brightened up a Friday at work!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Another very funny post Jan and like kateshrewsday mentioned, I would have loved to see the reaction from your nail lady, I bet her face was a picture. Personally it all looks rather uncomfortable to me but as they say each to their own……….now do you or don’t you?

    • janh1 says:

      Hello Someone. My nail lady’s eyes widened but it didn’t put her off the nail polishing one jot…

      I was very taken by the runway idea i must say…. who could resist all the sparkly lights in the dark? 😀

  4. Cameron says:

    Kate Shrewsday’s recommendation sent me over here, and I’ve gotten that raised eye from my child, indicating his embarrassment with my teary, snorting laughter. Even knowing about the vajazzle (who says American’s have nothing cultural to offer?), I was chortling.

    • janh1 says:

      So Vajazzling is American?!! Ahaaa. Glad you liked it. I’m also glad you’re a properly embarrassing mother. There is no other way to do childrearing properly. 😉

  5. Isobelandcat says:

    I wondered from the title if this was what it indeed turned out to be. Maybe living in south east London all these years has taught me that things I find mind boggling are every day fare to some folk. The idea of any of this stuff had me wincing in imagined pain, but then a mere bikini wax causes my skin to revolt for days. Pejazzle I suspect is similar to the thing Albert is often accused of having done, though it appears to be an urban myth.
    So what is a Brazilian then?
    On second thoughts, don’t tell me. I don’t think I really want to know…

    • janh1 says:

      Hi Isobel. Yes, I was boggled to begin with… I believe Prince Alberts are much more popular than pejazzling but obviously, I am not an authority! A Brazilian is a La Vegas without the sparkles. I think we should at least be informed… just in case anyone asks…. 😉

  6. inmandyland2 says:

    Got sent over here by Cam and sat here giggling like a fiend. Sadly, I know what a vajazzle is – not by personal experience, mind. Never, though, had I thought of run way lights and robins. And because I’m weird, my next thought was wondering if someone had a Pinterest board for it.

    • janh1 says:

      Well there you go.. you are one of the cognoscenti because not only did you know what one was, you also know what a Pininterest board is! That might be my next blog.. although I have a feeling I won’t find it quite so ticklishly amusing 😉

  7. Pseu says:

    I’m so enjoying the image of you asking the manicurist…..

    and so intrigued now by pejazzle and a Price Albert I’m going to have to beetle off and google. 🙂

    • Pseu says:

      ew-er missus. I found an option for ‘images pejazzle’ and discovered a scotazzle option as well. I think I’ll leave it there…..
      except for finding out what a Prince Albert is…. (yeurch…)

  8. janh1 says:

    Oh the Scotazzle is for north of the border, as it were. I think there’s another one for south of the border… but best left to the imagination or maybe not imagined at all! 😀
    The Prince Albert is a piercing. He had one, allegedly.

  9. I can’t type for laughing! Love that last suggestion.

  10. carrietxxxxx says:

    I came about reading this article.through a blog about our mutual admiration of our home city of Gloucester(sorry Darrell Kirby to drag you into it-he follows you !)I must have been suffering from WWILF(what was I looking for ?)syndrome on the internet and got distracted.-Thats my excuse anyway ..I’m still laughing at your Mum thinking Marilyn was bumped off by MFI.

    • janh1 says:

      Love it that you ended up vajazzling – or at least reading about my interpretation of it – my chance… The wonder of the internet! Come back some time soon 😀

  11. Jane Parry says:

    Hysterical!!! Oi Cesar …..!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s