New Year Resolutions

Does anyone make New Year resolutions any more that don’t involve going to the gym/losing weight? (yawns, puts feet up with latest Byatt, chooses another morsel from the Hotel Chocolate box while kitten settles on lap against warm laptop).

The newspapers are full of dieting and getting fit plans but they are the hackneyed way to fill features pages at this time of year.

This is peak time for gyms. If you’re a gym owner who’s not making money now, you never will. Signing people for for a year when they only ever attend for two weeks max and then forget the bank direct debit bleeding £50 out of their account every month for sweet F.A.

The first time I signed up for a free-trial two weeks all-inclusive gym membership, I got a virus which put me out of action for a month. Never even set foot in the place. I think it was a sign.

I have been since to a gym but only for specific purposes; to be transformed into someone unfeasibly lithe and lovely (total failure) and to work a damaged knee (success!).

My local gym is an airless sweaty slightly smelly place where men grunt and thin girls with concave thighs and Essex facelifts hog the treadmills. I hate it but then I still bear a grudge against my ‘personal’ trainer Shane. I told him I wanted legs like Tina Turner. He gave me legs like Tessa Sanderson which might have gone all Sir Chris Hoy.  While admiring his huge achievements and rock-hard huge thighs… pause for respectful memory of Sir Chris in all his glory winning three gold medals on the track at the Beijing Olympics……were not the required look.

I thought I’d just get down a few things I wanted to change this year and the list kept growing. Reading it makes me realise what a spoiled, unrealistic brat I am so that’s probably a good first step to humility – if only that was on the list but it’s not.

Is it best to keep it short? Eg “Achieve stuff while becoming a nicer, more caring generous person.”

Nah.  As an optimist with a firm hand holding the struggling, whiny pessimist’s head bubbling below the surface of the green sludge of reality, it’s got to be the long list really but the main requirement for achieving all those resolutions is going to be introducing the three-day weekend or sleeping for three hours less every day.

As that’s pretty much impossible, I’m going with no1, 2, 3, 4 and well, why not, 5.  And definitely 9.

Oh and 6 and wait a sec… got to include 7 and 8 as they kind of go together and they really need the complement of 12, 16, 17, 18.

Not sure where part-time hedonist fits into those though, and have to keep that, which means including 19 to 24 excepting the Excel thing. I am reluctant to Excel with an upper case E. It involves equations and tiny mystic symbols.

Number 20 is probably the most important one. Yes, I think that covers just about everything.

Do-able?  Good grief, yes!  Now, is it going to be the white lime truffle or the champagne parfait…?


New Year Resolutions

1 Be more organised

2 Write more

3 Cycle more

4 Attempt wheelies

5 Read more

6 Care more

7 Be ambitious

8 Fart about less

9 Go to Tour de France. Take Welsh cakes for Geraint.

10 Get piano lessons

11 More dog-training for kittens. Leo – lead.

12 Sort out study

13 Be more serious appropriately

14 Laugh more, inappropriately

15 Don’t forget buffalo mozarella

16 Develop gravitas

17 Practice dignity

18 Make plans

19 Visit galleries more often

20 Laugh in the face of failure

21 Tweak the nose of irritability

22 Take more photos manually

23 Do Excel and PowerPoint

24 Go sea kayaking

25 Go canoeing

26 Wild water kayaking, Cardiff

27 Try proper rowing

28 Use graphics pad more

29 Do sponsored charity bike ride.

30 Find wedding outfit.

31 Plant spring bulbs before December.

32 Bag a monro near Loch Lomond

33 Go to Wales more often

34 Complete Cotswold Way

35 Do Wye Valley walk, well, at least start it.

36 Go swimming with turtles

37 See more Shakespeare at Stratford

38 Watch more sunsets



About janh1

Part-time hedonist.
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15 Responses to New Year Resolutions

  1. IsobelandCat says:

    V impressed! I don’t really do resolutions, 0r rather I do but not at New Year. My top one at the moment is to laern how to create podcasts, I also want to use my juicer more often. I used to juice fruit and veg almost daily but got out of the habit. Post ‘flu, I zapped a load of fruit through it in an attempt to boost my immune system and it reminded how fab it is. Love my kindle sounds like a good third. But I think I’ll browse your list a few times and see if I come up with any more.
    Don’t develop too much gravitas will you. 🙂

  2. janh1 says:

    LOL blimey you were quick getting to this, Isobel!

    Creating podcasts sounds interesting. You learn it, then tell me! I’ll pass on my Powerpointing thingies – no idea what that is going to be useful for other than subversive Christmas thing to entertain my work colleagues. A couple of bogus “patient newsletters” have gone down well but have had to be destroyed lest they fall into the hands of a genuine patient!

    We have a juicer – bought by son no 1. Fab thing but takes a lot of poking about to clean it. Totally understand the Kindle thing – hang on, Lily has come to inspect my typing… she is poking her cold little nose into my moving fingers.

    I don’t think there’s any danger of the gravitas thing really happening, to be honest. But a smidge now and then would come in handy. 😉

  3. That’s a very long list. I don’t have one at all. Last year I decided around the 10th January that I would wash up all dishes every night before bedtime (as I’d managed that from the 1st) and not bite my nails. The dish washing lasted till about August, nails still going strong though.

    I agree with Isobel, don’t develop gravitas: if you get number 13 right, I don’t think you would need to, or to practice dignity.

    • janh1 says:

      Yes it’s too long. I will strike out the graphics pad thing. The nail biting thing is interesting. I bit mine all my life until a computer repair man called one day and rather rudely remarked “Oh. You bite your nails…” Bastard. I stopped very soon afterwards. I had never really twigged that other people even bothered to notice my hands!

  4. Pseu says:

    30 Find wedding outfit.

    Have I missed something?

    • janh1 says:

      Son no 2 getting married in July, Pseu! Woo! But not looking forward to finding something suitable as I have no bloody idea. Fortunately two friends with taste are going to drag me around suitable shops. 🙂

  5. IsobelandCat says:

    Actually I do have another one – to watch more television. I hardly watch any, and I realise that I am missing some really good programmes.

  6. Pseu says:

    New Year resolutions start in September for me…

  7. IsobelandCat says:

    Don’t know what you’re after Pseu, but the British Museum has some classic silk jackets which would look fabulous with equally classic black trousers. Just had a quick look online but they don’t show them there.

  8. Darrel Kirby says:

    You certainly are an optimist – No 1 is essential if the others are to stand any chance at all! I have made no resolutions this year. Even at my most enthusiastic I have only ventured to up to 10 resolutions and few have made it past 12th night.
    Interested in the nail-biting comments – a resolution of mine many times, but always ultimately doomed to failure; welcome any tips.

    • My nail biting solution was to start painting my nails with pretty coloured nail polish but I appreciate this may not be an option for a bloke – unless David Beckham is your hero? 😀

    • janh1 says:

      I will definitely do five of them at least. Check back at the end of the year. I’ll eat my old Chosen Hill School boater if I don’t, ok? I’ll pm you with my best idea re nail nibbling.

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