Does anyone make New Year resolutions any more that don’t involve going to the gym/losing weight? (yawns, puts feet up with latest Byatt, chooses another morsel from the Hotel Chocolate box while kitten settles on lap against warm laptop).
The newspapers are full of dieting and getting fit plans but they are the hackneyed way to fill features pages at this time of year.
This is peak time for gyms. If you’re a gym owner who’s not making money now, you never will. Signing people for for a year when they only ever attend for two weeks max and then forget the bank direct debit bleeding £50 out of their account every month for sweet F.A.
The first time I signed up for a free-trial two weeks all-inclusive gym membership, I got a virus which put me out of action for a month. Never even set foot in the place. I think it was a sign.
I have been since to a gym but only for specific purposes; to be transformed into someone unfeasibly lithe and lovely (total failure) and to work a damaged knee (success!).
My local gym is an airless sweaty slightly smelly place where men grunt and thin girls with concave thighs and Essex facelifts hog the treadmills. I hate it but then I still bear a grudge against my ‘personal’ trainer Shane. I told him I wanted legs like Tina Turner. He gave me legs like Tessa Sanderson which might have gone all Sir Chris Hoy. While admiring his huge achievements and rock-hard huge thighs… pause for respectful memory of Sir Chris in all his glory winning three gold medals on the track at the Beijing Olympics……were not the required look.
I thought I’d just get down a few things I wanted to change this year and the list kept growing. Reading it makes me realise what a spoiled, unrealistic brat I am so that’s probably a good first step to humility – if only that was on the list but it’s not.
Is it best to keep it short? Eg “Achieve stuff while becoming a nicer, more caring generous person.”
Nah. As an optimist with a firm hand holding the struggling, whiny pessimist’s head bubbling below the surface of the green sludge of reality, it’s got to be the long list really but the main requirement for achieving all those resolutions is going to be introducing the three-day weekend or sleeping for three hours less every day.
As that’s pretty much impossible, I’m going with no1, 2, 3, 4 and well, why not, 5. And definitely 9.
Oh and 6 and wait a sec… got to include 7 and 8 as they kind of go together and they really need the complement of 12, 16, 17, 18.
Not sure where part-time hedonist fits into those though, and have to keep that, which means including 19 to 24 excepting the Excel thing. I am reluctant to Excel with an upper case E. It involves equations and tiny mystic symbols.
Number 20 is probably the most important one. Yes, I think that covers just about everything.
Do-able? Good grief, yes! Now, is it going to be the white lime truffle or the champagne parfait…?
New Year Resolutions
1 Be more organised
2 Write more
3 Cycle more
4 Attempt wheelies
5 Read more
6 Care more
7 Be ambitious
8 Fart about less
9 Go to Tour de France. Take Welsh cakes for Geraint.
10 Get piano lessons
11 More dog-training for kittens. Leo – lead.
12 Sort out study
13 Be more serious appropriately
14 Laugh more, inappropriately
15 Don’t forget buffalo mozarella
16 Develop gravitas
17 Practice dignity
18 Make plans
19 Visit galleries more often
20 Laugh in the face of failure
21 Tweak the nose of irritability
22 Take more photos manually
23 Do Excel and PowerPoint
24 Go sea kayaking
25 Go canoeing
26 Wild water kayaking, Cardiff
27 Try proper rowing
28 Use graphics pad more
29 Do sponsored charity bike ride.
30 Find wedding outfit.
31 Plant spring bulbs before December.
32 Bag a monro near Loch Lomond
33 Go to Wales more often
34 Complete Cotswold Way
35 Do Wye Valley walk, well, at least start it.
36 Go swimming with turtles
37 See more Shakespeare at Stratford
38 Watch more sunsets