Being acquainted with several scientists and being a noted quasi-scientist myself, I had no alternative but to rise to the challenge posed in today’s newspapers.
I have today concluded a series of ground-breaking experiments which may prove valuable to the whole of womankind. I shall be reporting fully in a scientific paper which I plan to present to the Royal Society on April 1 next year (Author: Janh – Quasi-Research Fellow at the University of Wales for the Bleedin’ Obvious and Downright Bizarre) but the interim report is available here.
Zis is the process by which ladies can weigh their own breast tissue in the eternal quest for a bra that fits. I can tell you, ladies, that it is not at all painful and may lead in future to better bra design.
Some may be of the opinion that this is a pointless waste of time. I cannot agree with that assertion. In purely physical terms it obviously has a point – two to be precise. With regard to measuring and noting valuable new data which has obvious scientific merit, it also has practical use.
The scientific process is not unlike preparing your favourite dinner party reciple. First, assemble your large baking tray, your mixing bowl (3 litres at least. Big girls should use a bucket and a child’s paddling pool). Next, fill the bowl with warm water. Optimum temperature 35 degrees C.
Weigh the baking tray and note the weight. Divest upper garments and immerse one breast in the bowl. Water displaced will cascade into the baking tray but do not be concerned because this ‘heavy’ water will prove crucial.
When you’re ready (the floaty feeling is not entirely unpleasant so you may not wish to hurry) remove breast and dry. Now weigh the baking tray plus water. Subtract the weight of the tray and note the result. You may think “hey presto” (science numpties may skip the technical scientific term) you have the weight of one breast but you actually haven’t. Yet. Repeat process with other breast.
Caution: Do not under any circumstances attempt to save time by weighing both breasts at once. A tsunami effect may be created which will almost certainly not be covered by your household insurance.
Dry, dress and, if you were also in the remedial maths stream, spend several hours on sums. One litre of water weighs one kilogramme so you calculate the weight of breast tissue by dividing by 0.9. Note figures and draw a small diagram of what you would like to look like if you had a boob job.
Take your diagram and data to M&S. Thrust it at the sales assistant and, in authoritative tone ask for a half-kilo bra.
They might give you a funny look, or even call the manager but this only demonstrates that you are a scientist while they are probably not.
Alternatively, send your test results to Dr John Tyrer, design engineer, Loughborough University (shortly to be sanctified as Saviour of Womankind if he does succeed in inventing the perfect bra) along with a set of colour photographs. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to receive them.